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  • Sam DiFranco

Don’t Play the Blame Game!


When it comes to our relationships, it is almost always easier to see the flaws in our partners then in ourselves. When it comes to finger pointing, both partners are usually right, and both are wrong. The only way to better your relationship is to always focus on empowering yourself. You can only change your part of the equation. Take charge and change the behaviors that are holding you back from a better relationship. 

  1. Don’t build a case. Case building is a huge problem in a relationship. Once we start to see our partner a certain way, we start perceiving their actions through a negative filter.In these cases, we can either feed our feelings of blame or try to keep a more balanced perspective about what’s going on.

  2. Drop it. Once the blame game begins it is hard to stop and resolve who did what or who’s at fault. There is NEVER a winner when you play the blame game. Sometimes it’s worth dropping the past, putting down your guard, and just being nice to each other. 

  3. Calm yourself down. Relationships trigger us in ways we rarely expect. When we feel triggered, we should try focusing on relaxing before reacting. We can better manage our partner’s temper by calming ourselves down first, then approaching them with the issue. 

  4. Reflect on your patterns. Once we have calmed down, you can take a step back and reflect. ask yourself why and what made you trigger. Does my reaction seem like an overreaction? Look for the thing you hate the most that your partner does and ask yourself what you did or said right before that. 

  5. Have compassion.  When we understand the reasons why we both get triggered, we have more compassion for ourselves and our partner. We can have more compassion by always aiming to see the scenario from our partner’s eyes and understand how they view the situation.

  6. Be open to feedback. It is very important that we are open to what our partner has to say. Don’t be defensive when your partner is giving you feedback, look for the truth in what they are saying. It will benefit you more than arguing every detail. 

  7. Communicate what you felt. Once we are calm and we’ve given our partner the chance to express their perceptions, we can explain how we felt without placing blame or feeling victimized. We can also provide feedback that is direct, yet compassionate. We should avoid using victimized language or generalized statements. 

Once we start to see patterns in ourselves, we can challenge ourselves to act in ways we respect and repair when we make a mistake.When we stop placing blame, we shift our focus inward.By taking power over ourselves, we give our relationship its best chance of remaining equal, passionate, and fulfilling.

If you and your partner take part in playing the blame game and don’t know how to end it, there is something you can do. Call Star Point Counseling Center! Our Licensed Mental Heath Counselors can work with you and your partner at ending the blame game once and for all.


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